LOVE OR LUST? TEN THINGS TO DO ON A SATURDAY NIGHT

by Coco Helado

Figuring out what to do on a Saturday night is the easy bit. The hard part is avoiding misunderstandings about what it is you're really after. Whether it's everlasting love or burning lust, you'll want to tailor your plans accordingly. The following guidelines should help you clearly and effectively convey your true intentions.

• ASKING HER OUT
  
  IF IT'S LOVE
  Call at least four days in advance, requesting the pleasure of her company.
  IF IT'S LUST
  Call her at least 20 minutes in advance, and ask, "Can I come over?"
  
  
  
• DRESSING FOR THE EVENING
  
  IF IT'S LOVE
  Maximize class factor. Channel Audrey Hepburn.
  IF IT'S LUST
  Maximize jiggle factor. Channel Pamela Anderson.
  
  
  
• EATING IN
  
  IF IT'S LOVE
  Cook most the meal yourself, but invite your partner to join you for the finishing touches, to give a sense of partnership. This meal should convey the idea that loving domesticity can be a feast for the senses. Choose a homey yet delicious menu, such as roast chicken or rack of lamb. Drizzle truffle oil over mashed potatoes, transforming this ordinary dish into a veritable bowl of luxuriousness.
  IF IT'S LUST
  Prepare appetizers before your guest arrives: finger food, nothing fancy. Keep the lighting low. The idea is that she may nibble, but YOU are the main course.
  
  
  
• EATING OUT
  
  IF IT'S LOVE
  Choose a restaurant based on romantic potential: soft lighting, somewhat quiet ambiance, a menu rooted in the Romance Languages: French, Spanish, Italian.
  IF IT'S LUST
  Choose a restaurant where you can order over-rich foods—oysters, foie gras, chocolate mousse—that spoil quickly, implying that this is a one-time opportunity, and there's no chance of a repeat performance.
  
  
  
• WHEN THE BILL ARRIVES
  
  IF IT'S LOVE
  Discreetly take it as soon as it arrives, and don't allow her to see it. Decline her offer to split it with you. After all, her company is payment enough.
  IF IT'S LUST
  Look at the bill. Then look at her. Say, "So. Are you coming over?"
  
  
  
• GOING TO THE MOVIES
  
  IF IT'S LOVE
  Ask him if there's anything he'd like to see. After all, how bad can Samurai Tomb Destroyer 4 really be?
  IF IT'S LUST
  Choose something boring. Sit in the back row.
  
  
  
• RENTING A VIDEO
  
  IF IT'S LOVE
  Go for a popular drama, comedy, or foreign film.
  IF IT'S LUST
  Reach for the box labeled, "Terms of Endearment." But make sure you've switched the video inside with the adult title, "Terms of Endowment." Once you've turned it on, feign surprise, then say, "Well, we might as well watch this one."
  
  
  
• GOING TO A PARTY
  
  IF IT'S LOVE
  Tell her she's the most beautiful woman in the room. Then take her up on the roof or into the garden to look at the stars. Kiss her on the lips.
  IF IT'S LUST
  Tell her she's the hottest babe in the room. Then take her into the bathroom. Kiss her everywhere but the lips.
  
  
  
• THROWING YOUR OWN PARTY
  
  IF IT'S LOVE
  Proudly introduce him to everyone as "Michael, my boyfriend." Don't invite ex-boyfriends unless they're truly good friends with no ulterior motives.
  IF IT'S LUST
  Just say, "This is Michael." Look uncomfortable. Make sure you invited as many of your exes as you could. If it doesn't work out with Michael, maybe you'll get lucky with one of them.
  
  
  
• CULTURAL EVENTS
  
  IF IT'S LOVE
  Surprise with box seats at the opera. Offer to buy her the libretto.
  IF IT'S LUST
  Surprise her with seats at a strip club. Offer to buy her a lap dance.